Last year I spent a lot of time looking at myself in mirrors, staring at my growing belly in awe and trying to see if it was moving; if it was lopsided, if it had any odd lumps, anything that would point to the fact that I really was growing a real live person in there. In the last 4 months, I have spent very little time looking at myself in mirrors. There's the quick glance in the morning to see if my hair is looking ridiculous before throwing it into a half-ponytail, bandanna, hat, or some other quick-fix, and there's the part before I change Lucy's diaper where I hold her up to the mirror over the changing table so she can look at herself and me before smiling and burying her face in my neck (not sure why...maybe mirrors make her nose itch).
It distresses me to look any more than that. All I can see are the imperfections, especially the tummy that is still very soft and round, and the hair that I have yet to figure out how to style...even after 26 years of having it! I don't like conventional mirrors.
My favorite mirrors are much better than those shiny glass things. I see myself in my baby girl, which is funny because I don't think she looks like me. When I go in to get her in the morning and her face lights up, I feel beautiful because I see her joy. When I'm in bed at night and realize my hand is over my eyes or feel some other expression on my face, I don't picture my face but hers, because she does the same things. When Lucy and I are in the bathroom, I don't notice any of my own imperfections because my eyes are focused on her reflection and to me she is perfect.
Lucy is a great mirror. But the best mirror is my husband. He's the one who makes me feel truly beautiful. If I had never seen an image of myself and had only him as my reflection I would think I must be a super-model. He's the one who whistled at me when I was nine months pregnant and felt HUGE, who comes into the kitchen and wraps his arms around me so I am overwhelmed with his love, who looks at me like I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen and he couldn't bear to lose me. My husband transforms the way I see myself until I think 'who needs those shiny things anyway'. I love him for that and a million other things.
Still...although mirrors are overrated and Jason loves me the way I am, I want to be the best I can be for my family and that means staying (or getting) healthy and fit. So. New Year's Resolution that I made this week: lose the rest of the baby weight (maybe 30 lbs...optimistically), get in shape by my 30th birthday (July 1st) (aka: be able to run at least 2 miles without dying, do a couple of pull-ups and generally not feel like I'm 50 and falling apart), and read the whole Bible by January(actually Jason and I are doing this together and we're off to a good start - 8 days so far without falling off the wagon!). We may love each other for who we are and be happy with ourselves, but I think we should always strive for excellence.
In the last few months how I look has become a little less important, and being able to take care of and have fun with my family has become more important... so here's to 2011, finding balance in life, growing closer to God, and seeing my reflection in the greatest mirrors on earth every day.
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